Misdial?
by KillerGeishaYumi
Summary: Modernfic, heavily inspired by "Keep Playing Games" by OrHowFar. Snotlout changes his phone number, and Hiccup so infrequently contacts his cousin by phone that it takes him almost a year to notice. What are the odds, that someone else would have the number by then? NOTE: at some future point I will be rewriting this fanfiction so there are fewer shameless swipes from the original.
1. First Two Days

_**Author's Note:**_ _Behold the plot bunny that wouldn't leave me alone. As I was rereading OrHowFar's fanfiction (read the summary to see which one), I found myself wondering what would have happened if, instead of ignoring it for a year, Hiccup had answered Astrid's "who is this?" texts. And this thing kind of happened. A few details have changed, but it's essentially still that AU._

* * *

He had just wanted breakfast. That's all he was in here for. But no sooner had he opened the refrigerator when something landed on his head, about twenty needles dug painfully into his scalp, and as long as we're making a list it suddenly rained cornflakes.

And now he was on the floor trying not to have a panic attack, and a little green-eyed lump of black fur was in the corner under the edge of the cupboards.

A cat. In his apartment.

And, oh yeah, he didn't own a cat.

Even stranger, his no-pets-allowed apartment was on the third floor of the building; he'd heard of cats being good climbers, but this was ridiculous.

"How did you get in here?" Hiccup demanded.

The cat hissed at him like _he_ was the attacker. Its ears were flattened down, its back was arched, and its tail was lashing – cat body language for _stay back or I'll claw your eyes out,_ according to Snot (who legitimately owned a cat).

Snot. He'd seen every type of cat video YouTube had to offer. Maybe he'd have some suggestions for how this…this attack cat…got in here.

Yeah. Hiccup would text him a photo. _After_ breakfast.

Hiccup slowly dragged himself off the floor and retrieved an apple from the still-open fridge. Then, making sure the door was securely closed, he left to get his phone. Cornflakes crunched under his feet, but he ignored them because it was way too early in the morning to deal with that.

He stopped briefly in the bathroom to look at the scratches on his forehead. They weren't really all that visible under his bangs, but they stung when he touched them. And he was out of Neosporin.

As he returned to the kitchen he heard scuffing and clicking noises. Very, very quietly, he leaned around the corner to look – and his jaw dropped. The cat was out of its "hiding place" and swatting cornflakes around the floor, but that wasn't what shocked Hiccup. It was that this cat was still alive.

Its fur was matted and chewed, and under it there were undoubtedly sores everywhere that a cat could bite itself. This cat probably tried to attack its fleas with the same enthusiasm that it used to attack unsuspecting humans. There was a still-red gash on its left…wrist? Above its left front paw, at least. Its left hind leg was crumpled a little at the…yeah, that part of a cat's back leg was technically all foot…anyway, between paw and heel there was a kink like something had broken and didn't heal quite right. It had an odd gait, almost a rolling one. All in all, it _looked_ like it had gotten ambushed by a lawnmower.

Hiccup wound up making a video, instead of just taking a picture. The cat chased cornflakes for another eight seconds before noticing him, jumping a foot in the air with a yowl, and dashing out of the kitchen to vanish under the couch in the living room.

Shaking his head, he called up Snot in his contacts list and sent the video. Then he sat down at the small kitchen table and rested his head in his hands – flinching at the scratches.

Well, he now had a video to prove he wasn't crazy, and he'd sent it to his cousin. What was he supposed to do now?

Call his landlord?

Call animal control?

Open the front door and hope the cat left?

All the above seemed like a death sentence for the cat. It was so evil-looking that nobody would want to adopt it, and with so many sores and that crooked leg it wouldn't survive much longer on its own. And yes, somehow or other he cared about the fate of this miniature monster that left gashes on his scalp.

Hiccup's phone dinged. Picking it up, he saw that the text was from Snot and opened it.

 _Who is this?_

He hit reply. _No idea. I don't even know how he got into my apartment, it's no-pets-allowed and the third floor besides._

 _Uh, no, who are YOU?_

And frowned. Snot had been to his apartment before; he'd used the kitchen table as a dumbbell and dropped it, leaving a permanent dent in its edge and dark crease in the linoleum. He called the linoleum thing especially, "his mark," and both it and the table were in plain sight in the video.

 _ **HH:** Your cousin? Did you delete me from your contacts list?_

About a minute later, he got another answer. _I think you misdialed._

 _ **HH:**_ _Can't be. I pulled the number directly from MY contacts list, which has not changed in years._

The answer to that one was a little longer in coming. _I just activated this phone like an hour ago. When was the last time you called the original owner of this number?_

Right up until that moment, Hiccup had never once considered that he was _not_ at least getting Snot's phone. Now…wow, that _really_ said a lot about his relationship with Snot. He'd gotten a new phone number and never told Hiccup – and _Hiccup_ so infrequently called or texted Snot that he'd never discovered the change on his own?

Unless this was something that _just_ happened. But phone companies tried to wait at least six months before reusing a discarded number, so if this _just_ happened then somebody somewhere really screwed up.

 _ **HH:**_ _…I think it was eight months ago. Or nine. I have been busy._

 _You were going to break nine months of silence with a psycho cat video? What kind of weirdo are you?_

Hiccup laughed. Then he thought for a moment, trying to figure out how to answer that without giving the impression that he was offended.

 _ **HH:**_ _My cousin happens to like psycho cat videos, and he would have gotten a kick out of hearing that this one attacked my head._

The next reply was long enough in coming that Hiccup was able to rename the number "Not-Snot." Whoever now had it was probably rolling on the floor laughing at this poor hapless guy who was ambushed by a teeny-tiny cat.

Speaking of which…

The cat was attacking his leg – the fake one, fortunately, because its claws were in pretty deep – and making a lot of noise.

"What? What do you want, cat? No, no – no, don't climb up, don't climb – ow!"

It crawled – clawed – its way into his lap and gave him an evil glare. Then it yowled again, right in his face.

Its fangs were chipped. Hiccup wondered what it had been chewing on besides its own body.

The phone dinged again. Another message from Not-Snot.

 _ **N-S:**_ _And scared you into dropping the cereal?_

Seriously, Hiccup was loving this conversation.

 _ **HH:**_ _Actually, the cat did that himself. Knocked all the cereal boxes off the fridge - and please don't ask me how he got up there._

 _ **N-S:**_ _Better mention that hobby to the animal shelter._

Hiccup paused for a long moment.

 _ **HH:**_ _I did consider taking him to a shelter, but…_

 _ **N-S:**_ _But?_

Since words failed him, and the evil-looking noisy cat was still sitting in his lap, he took a spectacular picture of the ragged thing and sent that to Not-Snot. They said a picture was worth a thousand words, after all.

 _ **N-S:**_ _Omg, so that is what he looks like up close. Wicked thing._

Seconds later, another text came in. _Was that supposed to tell me something?_

 _ **HH:**_ _DID it tell you something?_

Not-Snot seemed to think about that for a minute. _You think that if that piece of roadkill goes into a shelter he will never come out alive._

 _ **HH:**_ _Pretty much._

 _ **N-S:**_ _Don't worry too much. Somebody might actually decide to like him before that happens._

 _I like him now._ Hiccup stared at those four words in some surprise for a second; then he sent the text anyway, deciding that it was honest.

 _ **N-S:**_ _Even though he attacked your head and is now using you for a scratching post?_

That _was_ what the cat was doing right now. Sort of. It was kneading his calf without – _ow_ – retracting its claws. Hiccup hadn't decided yet if he was going to risk his hands to make it stop.

 _ **HH:**_ _I surprised myself when I wrote that. I guess I feel a kinship with him._

 _ **N-S:**_ _With that thing?_

 _ **HH:**_ _Sure. Life has not been kind to either of us. Did you notice his leg?_ Probably: Hiccup had deliberately caught as much of the cat's left side as possible with that picture.

 _ **N-S:**_ _Yeah. So what?_

Hiccup grinned. He slowly swiveled his chair and extended his left leg straight out into the glare of the lights, rolling up his pant leg to expose as much of the raw metal and plastic as possible. Then he clicked a picture and sent it.

The texts came hard and fast.

 _ **N-S:**_ _OMG WHAT HAPPENED TO YOU?_

 _ **N-S:**_ _ATTACKED BY AN ALLIGATOR?!_

 _ **N-S:**_ _You know what, nvm, you two are made for each other._

 _ **N-S:**_ _I recommend you take him straight to the nearest vet before you do anything else._

 _ **N-S:**_ _He probably has fleas, those sores need treatment, and you might want to neuter him._

Hiccup caught the cat in his free right hand, lifting it away from the spot it was puncturing and turning it so he could look under its tail. Yup, Not-Snot was right: this cat was definitely male, and neutering was probably a good idea.

 _ **HH:**_ _He has been yowling in my face the last five minutes. Any ideas?_

 _ **N-S:**_ _Have you fed him?_

That was…actually pretty obvious. The cat was kind of scrawny in his hand, like it hadn't had a good meal in at least a few days.

 _ **HH:**_ _No, that would require either cat food or a better understanding of what cats can and cannot eat._

 _ **N-S:**_ _Then he is probably hungry._

 _ **HH:**_ _Do they give animals complimentary meals at the vet?_

 _ **N-S:**_ _Get off the phone and do something about your new cat._

Hiccup liked this guy at least as much as he liked this cat.

* * *

The first thing they did at the clinic where Hiccup took the cat (once he'd told them it was a stray) was scan for microchips. There were none – which wasn't an indicator that there had never been one, given how badly damaged the skin was at the spot where a chip would have been, but regardless there was no way to tell now. And if he'd had a collar, it had been gone long enough for his fur to have lost all traces of collar-neck; the odds were very good that this cat did _not_ have a family looking for it.

Hiccup decided to name the cat Toothless. If only as thanks that he hadn't bitten his new owner yet, and as a reminder to never bite said owner – and, while he's at it, to not bite himself while he was healing.

And wow, Toothless needed a lot of work done. Not microchipping (they weren't sure at all one would stay until his shoulders healed), but a lot of cleanup and bolstering his immune system. And yes, he had fleas that needed to be exterminated.

This was actually fine with Hiccup, because he needed to move to a new apartment; given who his dad was, he could probably jump several queues, but he still wouldn't be ready to welcome a cat anywhere for at least a day. So he agreed to have all the necessary treatments done for his cat's bill of health, "and hang onto him until he's done, while I get his permanent living quarters ready."

His departure was delayed by a nurse with a sense of humor and an observant eye: he'd noticed Hiccup's forehead scratches, realized how boy and cat first met, and checked _him_ for fleas. Then, when he proved positive, that same nurse offered to remedy that.

And since Hiccup had already suspected he'd gotten some of his cat's fleas, and not wanting to deal with the itching all day, he agreed.

While his head was resting in the tub they used to wash cats, he got his phone out and texted Not-Snot.

 _ **HH:**_ _Guess who else is being subjected to a flea bath?_

 _ **N-S:**_ _Aww poor baby, lol_

Hiccup sighed as the nurse's gloved hands scrubbed at his head. _You would have to have had fleas to understand how good this feels,_ he texted.

 _ **N-S:**_ _Cannot comment. Stormfly never even had fleas, nvm giving them to me._

 _ **HH:**_ _Who is Stormfly, or can I guess?_

Not-Snot's reply was a picture – one that Hiccup first took to be a cute raccoon. Then he decided it was just a big fluffy cat with raccoon-ish markings.

 _ **HH:**_ _Wow, he is huge!_

 _ **N-S:**_ _She. Is part Maine Coon, and they are kinda big kitties._

 _ **HH:**_ _That would explain why I first thought she WAS a raccoon. :D_

 _ **N-S:**_ _I hear that a lot._

"Put the chat on hold, boyo, it's time for the rinse," the nurse warned Hiccup with a smile, waving the not-yet-on handheld showerhead.

Hiccup leaned back again and scrunched his eyes shut.

About a minute later, fully rinsed and mostly dry, he was able to check his messages again.

 _ **N**_ ** _-S:_** _I think your poor kitty will be shaved bald when you get him back, btw. Mats are impossible to get out of fur, and the medicine is going to be traumatic enough to his skin without a lot of yanking combs._

Hiccup tried to imagine what Toothless would look like without his fur.

 _ **HH:**_ _Do cats feel embarrassment? Because I think he will be embarrassed._

 _ **N-S:**_ _Hard to say. Stormfly just picks herself up and walks away like nothing happened._

 _ **HH:**_ _Has Stormfly ever been shaved?_

 _ **N-S:**_ _No, but I had to cut mats out of her coat a time or two. Left her with a couple of plush patches, which she ignored._

Before Hiccup could reply to that one, Not-Snot sent another message.

 _ **N-S:**_ _Take my advice: if you intend to give your cat regular warm-water baths, MAKE SURE to get him fully brushed first._

Hiccup thought about the effects of hot water on untreated wool, and sent his reply. _Noted._

 _What did you name him, anyway?_

 _ **HH:**_ _Toothless._

 _ **N-S:**_ _Because…_

 _ **HH:**_ _He has not bitten me. I want something to celebrate while I figure out his bad habits and make him unlearn them._

 _ **N-S:**_ _You think you can train a cat?_

 _ **HH:**_ _YOU think that those crazy stunts in those cat videos were ALL spontaneous? I do not._

There was silence long enough for Hiccup to get in the car and start the engine. Then his phone dinged again.

 _ **N-S:**_ _That is an excellent point._

 _ **HH:**_ _I will be busy the rest of the day, btw. The apartment you saw in that video was no-pets-allowed and my landlord and I were not amigos to begin with, so I need to move._

Putting the phone away, Hiccup put the car in gear and started scouting.

* * *

By the time a suitable apartment was found and rented, he got all the walls painted in colors he liked, and all his stuff was moved from his old apartment to his new one, it was after seven in the evening.

Hiccup sprawled on the couch, exhausted. "What. A. Day." He didn't even want to go to bed; the couch was comfortable enough right now. Though it was chilly with all the windows open.

His stomach growled.

Did he have lunch? He couldn't remember.

And all he had for breakfast was that apple…no wonder he was so tired. He wasn't really all that hungry (the paint fumes stole his appetite), but he should really eat.

When he opened the refrigerator to find dinner, he felt such a sense of déjà vu that he actually cringed in anticipation of claws on his scalp. When he glanced at the top of the fridge, it was in search of those green eyes glowing with feline paranoia.

"Is this what my life will turn into?" Hiccup demanded of the refrigerator. "Everything revolving around the cat? I've already bought a new apartment entirely for his benefit! Am I going to wind up spending the lion's share of my money on super-duper cat stuff for him?" With a near roar he slammed the fridge and went back to the living room.

"At least you won't be talking to yourself anymore."

Hiccup looked at the window in surprise, seeing a familiar massive bulk beyond it. "Fishlegs!" He rushed to open the door.

"Hi!" Fishlegs held up a foil-covered pan. "Happy housewarming!"

"Come on in. Everything still smells like paint, but…" actually, with the pan right in front of his nose he could smell _that_ now – and he was now starting to get hungry. "Is that tuna casserole?"

"Fresh from the oven. Now, tell me about this cat."

"There's not a lot to tell…he jumped off the fridge onto my head this morning, and I decided to adopt him."

"Your other apartment was on the third floor, how…?"

"That's what I want to know. His back leg is a little crooked, too."

Fishlegs thought for a moment while Hiccup got a large serving of the casserole onto a plate. "You had a fire escape, though. He probably figured out how to climb it. And if there was any hole in a screen covering an open window, he'd have been through there in a second."

"And the fridge?" Hiccup mumbled around a mouthful.

"Floor to counter to refrigerator. Easy." Fishlegs looked narrowly at Hiccup. "Did you mention the cat to your other landlord as your reason to leave?"

Hiccup tilted his head, chewed and swallowed. "I told him that I wanted a place that allowed pets. I did _not_ tell him that I _had_ a pet, or that said pet had somehow gotten into my apartment. I just…didn't want to go there. The day was long enough."

"What does he look like?"

"Huh? Oh, the cat?" Hiccup pushed his phone across the small table. "I have both a photo and a video of him on there. Knock yourself out." He took another heaping spoonful.

Fishlegs opened the phone and unlocked it (Hiccup had long ago trusted his best friend with the passcode). Then he blinked. "Uh…who is…Not-Snot?"

Hiccup nearly choked. In all the insanity of the day, he'd forgotten about Not-Snot. "Oh, uh…did…did you know that Snot had a new number?"

Fishlegs stared at Hiccup. "I only had his old number for three months, back when we were sharing that high school project. Then I deleted it. No, I didn't know he had a new one. Can I guess how you found out?"

Hiccup waved at the phone. "Sent him the video; turned out to not be Snot." Then he looked up. "Is there a new text?"

"You keep eating, you look like you haven't had a bite all day. I'll read it to you." He hesitated. "Unless things have gotten…um…personal."

Hiccup shrugged. "Nah, it should be fine. Not-Snot is nicer than Snot." Just at the moment, he couldn't remember what his last text had consisted of.

Fishlegs opened the conversation. "What did you do to your ex-landlord?"

 _Now_ Hiccup remembered what he'd last said. "Agh! That was not my fault that he didn't like me!"

"I kinda remember that guy…" Fishlegs grinned a bit. "Can I answer this one?"

"Let me see it before you send it."

Fishlegs typed a little while Hiccup kept eating. Then he held the phone out.

 _Guilty by association: he did not like or trust highschool/college guys. ANY misdemeanor was worth several more demerits than if an older adult had done them._

"That's good." That wasn't _quite_ how Hiccup would have said it, but it was true.

"Do you suppose Not-Snot is still up?"

The phone dinged, providing the answer.

Hiccup's mouth was full again. "Hmm?"

Fishlegs looked. "I knew mall rent-a-cops like that. Whoop, and here's another one. 'Did you find a place or are you living in your car right now?' Do you want to tell him…?"

Hiccup waved a general-purpose assent and started scraping his plate clean.

A little later, with dishes in the sink and the leftovers put away, Fishlegs waved the phone. "He said, 'Lucky guy. What does Toothless think of it, or is he still at the vet?' Is Toothless the cat?"

"Yup." Hiccup took the phone and scrolled up to see what Fishlegs had said. _I got an apartment: I am neighbors with both my cousin and best friend._ That explained the "lucky" comment.

"What, he doesn't have teeth?"

"He doesn't bite." Hiccup hit Reply. _Toothless is overnighting at the vet._ "He scratches, yowls, and ambushes people from on top of refrigerators, but he doesn't bite."

"Ah. Something to celebrate."

"You got it." Hiccup added to the conversation, _And while he is out I had some painting done._

 _ **N-S:**_ _Why?_

 _ **HH:**_ _According to my preliminary research, cats have limited color vision…and I have a theory._

 _ **N-S:**_ _Yeah?_

 _ **HH:**_ _If where he IS allowed is more visually interesting to him than where he is NOT, he will stay where he is allowed._

"Should we introduce Toothless and Meatlug?" Fishlegs asked.

Meatlug was Fishlegs's dog, a pug mix that was almost the same size as a lot of cats. She was very good-natured, and Hiccup's only complaint about her was that she liked trying to steal his prosthetic.

"I don't see why we shouldn't – though maybe not right away. Let Toothless get adjusted to his new habitat." Hiccup was more worried about Toothless's behavior than Meatlug's; he had no idea how the cat would react to a dog, while Meatlug actually did like and get along with cats.

The phone dinged.

 _ **N-S:**_ _Let me know how that goes._

That was…so uncannily appropriate it could have been responding to anything _. Sure._

Hiccup yawned. Now that he was actually full, and after such a busy day, he was getting sleepy.

Fishlegs took the hint – especially since he could see that the exhaustion was real. "You get to bed. I'll let myself out."

"Goodnight, Fishlegs," Hiccup waved at his friend, who waved casually over his shoulder. Then he sent one last text.

 _ **HH:**_ _V long day, V busy day, another long and busy day tomorrow. Going to bed now._

 _ **N-S:**_ _Good night, my one-legged marathoner._

Hiccup made an odd sound that was kind of like a laugh. Was that what he looked like to this guy? A marathon-runner? Well, he felt like he'd run a marathon.

And he had another one to run tomorrow.

* * *

Toothless was indeed bare when Hiccup retrieved him – all but his head, which was encased in a cone collar. The sores looked really bad with no fur covering them; even scarier, he just lay there in the crate and didn't even hiss at Hiccup.

He'd had to be sedated before _anything_ could be done: apparently he scratched everybody, not just Hiccup. But the veterinarian had evidently had training at reassuring anxious owners, and confirmed that Toothless was fine.

Hiccup left the building with the cat in his arms and a list of special-care instructions in his head. Placing Toothless gently on the shotgun seat, he clicked a picture and sent it to Not-Snot with the heading, _Coming home._

His phone dinged on the way, but he carefully waited until he'd parked before he looked.

 _ **N-S:**_ _I officially feel sorry for him now. He is okay, right?_

 _ **HH:**_ _Yeah, just drugged._

 _ **N-S:**_ _What now?_

 _ **HH:**_ _Dunno. I got him all his supplies yesterday, my apartment is fully cat-proofed, and until he is all healed I will not be going out much. Just to work._

 _ **N-S:**_ _You will be bored._

 _ **HH:**_ _Probably._

Once home, Hiccup carried Toothless to the apartment and rested him gently in the cat bed. The cat grumbled slightly and shifted like he wasn't comfortable, but didn't claw and didn't make any louder sound.

 _ **N-S:**_ _I have a question._

 _ **HH:**_ _Yeah?_

 _ **N-S:**_ _Are you going to tell your cousin that someone else has his old number?_

Hiccup stared at his phone for a minute, wondering where that concern came from. He hadn't even thought of Snot as a part of this equation. Now that that had been brought to his attention, though…he could think of a dozen reasons why Snot should _never_ learn that his old number was back in circulation.

 _ **HH:**_ _No way. His response could be any number of things depending on who he decides YOU are, and none of his responses would be good for your privacy._

There was no answer for a minute.

 _ **N-S:**_ _What could he decide?_

 _ **HH:**_ _Easier to say what he would definitely NOT decide. 1. Someone bigger and stronger than he is. 2. Half of a happily-married couple. I think those are the only two: everything else is fair game._

 _ **N-S:**_ _Thanks._

 _ **HH:**_ _The WORST would be if he decided you were a hot girl: he would think it was Meant 2B, that it was Fate that gave you two that link. Never a moment of peace if he were to decide that._

 _ **N-S:**_ _No seriously, thanks._

Time to shut up and go to work.

 _ **HH:**_ _No problem._

* * *

After getting home from work Hiccup sat down next to Toothless (who looked like he hadn't moved an inch) and coaxed him to eat a little wet food. Then he texted Not-Snot while he ate his own light supper.

 _ **HH:**_ _So, tell me one thing about you._

 _ **N-S:**_ _Why?_

 _ **HH:**_ _You know I have a cat named Toothless. I know you have a cat named Stormfly. You know about my leg. Balance the scales._

 _ **N-S:**_ _Hmm…_

That was inconclusive.

A follow-up reply was so long in coming that Hiccup nearly fell asleep waiting for it. He jumped when his phone dinged again.

A photo. Of a hoodie – _not_ one being worn, it was just on a hanger. Powder blue, with gold trim and big gold letters proclaiming UCLA. It wasn't _huge_ ; it probably wouldn't hang off Hiccup.

 _ **HH:**_ _Nice. Your college?_

 _ **N-S:**_ _Go Bruins. :D_

Hiccup grinned, feeling a bit evil and taking a chance.

 _ **HH:**_ _Your number formerly belonged to a USC student. My cousin goes there._

 _ **N-S:**_ _You are joking._

 _ **HH:**_ _AND he has proclaimed on numerous occasions that the Bruins suck._

 _ **N-S:**_ _AAAGH!_

Hiccup chuckled and closed his eyes again.

For about three seconds.

 _ **N-S:**_ _Do YOU go to USC?_

 _ **HH:**_ _I tell you that, you have to also share something else to keep the scales even._

 _ **N-S:**_ _Hate you._

 _ **HH:**_ _Funny, I like you better than my cousin and I have never even met you._

A big yawn later Hiccup decided to share.

 _ **HH:**_ _As it happens, I do NOT go to USC. I do not, in fact, go to any college. Cannot afford scholarship._

That was simplified…possibly oversimplified. But the real reason he wasn't in a college was way too complicated for a text.

 _ **N-S:**_ _Oh._

Hiccup stroked Toothless gently, checking his temperature. He seemed okay.

 _ **N-S:**_ _So obviously you were not talking about college when you said one thing._

 _ **HH:**_ _Not really. Was not even thinking college._

 _ **N-S:**_ _So save me some time. What is in your head?_

What _was_ he expecting to hear? Well, see. Who her friends were? What she did for fun? What shows Netflix recommended to her?

Finally he shrugged in defeat.

 _ **HH:**_ _I wanted something completely unique to YOU. To balance the leg thing. But all the questions I can think of are questions you can turn back on me, and so it would still be uneven._

 _ **N-S:**_ _YOU are uneven. So what?_

Hiccup burst out laughing, startling Toothless into lifting his head and turning to stare.

 _ **HH:**_ _Seriously, I like you WAY better than my cousin! :D_

 _ **N-S:**_ _Well, thank you._

 _ **HH:**_ _I should get to bed. It is late._ Yes, if he stayed up any later he would be rendered completely incoherent.

 _ **N-S:**_ _Sleep tight._

As he dragged himself to bed and unfastened his prosthetic, Hiccup wondered if he would ever meet Not-Snot in real life. It seemed impossible.

* * *

 _ **A/N:**_ _Seemed like a good place to stop the first half of this; I am just now wrapping up at 10:00 PM, so I'm sympathizing with Hiccup at this point. Next chapter will be a time-lapse: time for Toothless to grow his fur back, get microchipped, be trained to walk on a leash, and have SOME of his bad habits trained out of him. ;)_


	2. Five Months Later

Toothless ran back and forth on the dashboard, pausing now and then to bat at the air freshener. He cut a rather dashing feline figure, with a snazzy red harness offsetting the shiny black fur that had mostly grown back. He had made a full recovery from the major vet visit of a few months ago.

Hiccup was parked, or he would have never let the cat loose in the car. It was the shadiest parking spot he could find, and it was still warm enough that he was feeling a bit drowsy. Or maybe he was just bored.

Snot wanted to go to Santa Monica for his birthday. Hiccup did not like the beach, so after driving his cousin there he had chosen to stay in the car with the cat – a decision that had not been argued with but that he was now regretting, because he did not want to fall asleep in a car that could quickly become an oven. At least on the beach, he'd have to stay sufficiently alert to not wind up eating sand.

On the plus side, he'd finally gotten Snot's new number entered into his phone.

Thus reminded that he was still holding conversations with the old number, Hiccup got out his phone. Over the months he had gotten really attached to Not-Snot, and had shared a lot of his training attempts with the mystery UCLA college student.

 _ **HH:**_ _Are you able to converse?_

 _ **N-S:**_ _Mostly. Why?_

 _ **HH:**_ _Because I am about to die of boredom._

 _ **N-S:**_ _Only boring people are bored. Are you boring?_

 _ **HH:**_ _Haha, well what am I supposed to call it when I am stuck in park?_

 _ **N-S:**_ _Why are you stuck in park?_

 _ **HH:**_ _Cousin wanted beach. I hate beach, but it's his birthday. I'm now waiting in the car for his return._

 _ **N-S:**_ _What is wrong with beach?_

 _ **HH:**_ _Tie a peg to your knee and sand-walk on the peg instead of the foot, and you'll have some idea of my predicament._

 _ **N-S:**_ _I forgot about the leg thing. Sorry._

 _ **HH:**_ _No worries._

 _ **N-S:**_ _Waiting in your car?_

Hiccup blinked at the phone for a minute, trying to understand the question. Hadn't that been what he said?

 _ **N-S:**_ _Why not go do something until he is done?_

Oh, _that's_ what Not-Snot meant. If it was his car, why wasn't he going off on his own to do something fun? That was pretty simple: Hiccup's end-of-month budget was always a little tight, and he only had a little pocket money with him. After surrendering more than half of it for the benefit of Snot's birthday.

 _ **HH:**_ _Oh, you know, cousin stole my lunch money._

The answer to that one took a while. Not-Snot was probably laughing.

 _ **HH:**_ _Besides which, there is nowhere that I can bring Toothless._

 _ **N-S:**_ _He is with you?_

Hiccup recorded a ten-second video of Toothless running around on the dashboard and sent it.

 _ **N-S:**_ _Cute._

 _ **HH:**_ _He was my excuse to not go on the beach._

 _ **N-S:**_ _Did you not tell me that he likes to stalk seafoam?_

 _ **HH:**_ _Don't tell cousin._

 _ **N-S:**_ _Ah, gotcha._

 _ **N-S:**_ _Some kind of noisy shit going on near here. Can hardly think. Getting some distance._

Hiccup glanced at the clock. In another hour, he could probably take a little time and hit a drive-through for some cheap ice cream. Or a cold fountain drink. But he had to time that run carefully: too soon and he'd be bored for the rest of the day, too late and…he couldn't think of exactly what the downside would be to "too late," besides not being there when Snot was ready to leave, but he didn't want to wait around long enough to be too late. He leaned back and closed his eyes.

Perhaps ten minutes later another text came in, and he stirred to see what it was.

 _ **N-S:**_ _What are the odds that we would visit the same beach on the same day?_

Oh gosh, Hiccup didn't know; probably one in…some number that kept getting bigger and bigger the more variables he considered. The most critical one was that first they'd have to be in the same _town_ on the same day.

He almost typed all that, but somehow his reply wound up only four digits long.

 _ **HH:**_ _Why?_

The replies came quickly, perhaps one every five seconds, but they weren't words – they were numbers.

 _ **N-S:**_ _3_

 _ **N-S:**_ _2_

 _ **N-S:**_ _1_

Something banged – _loudly_ – on top of his car, startling him wide awake and making him look around wildly as Toothless screeched and rocketed into the backseat.

Then he was thinking _why_ for so many different reasons.

A fancy cell phone was being held up to the window, ragged-Toothless-in-Hiccup's-lap picture in full display (probably a funny way of saying that yes, this was who he had been texting for the past five months). The person holding it was definitely. Not. Snot.

 _Just for starters_ , it was a girl. Slender, dressed to kill – or, more fairly, like she had just been for a run – golden hair and powder-blue eyes. Some insane corner of Hiccup's mind noted that she matched that UCLA hoodie she'd showed him; if she'd actually been wearing it, she'd be a spectacular representative.

Belatedly he realized that he was gaping at her like a fish, and he managed to close his mouth. "Um. Hi?"

She made a face like she was trying not to laugh. "Hi."

Oh gods, her voice was beautiful.

"Uh…I…I really hope you came over here planning to tell me your name, because now that I've seen you it would be sacrilege to even _think_ the title I'd put on your number."

" _Sacrilege?_ " she half-shrieked before dissolving into hearty laughter and leaning on his car. "What could _possibly_ be so bad that you would use the word _sacrilege_ to describe it?"

Great. Now that he'd brought it up, he would have to actually say it or she would assume it was something insulting. Well, more obviously insulting than it was. "Um, since you asked…I just took my cousin's na-well, actually his nickname – and added 'not' to the beginning."

The girl stopped laughing with a heavy sigh. "So I was 'not-your-cousin'? That was the best you could do?" At least she still seemed more amused than offended.

"That was the first day, the very first _hour_ , of Toothless being in my life!" Hiccup protested. "I had a lot of other, more immediate, things to worry about at way too early in the morning to be worrying about anything." That didn't really _excuse_ Not-Snot as a title, but it did explain why he didn't try harder.

Attracted by the sound of his name, and deciding the hot girl at least wasn't an immediate threat, Toothless returned to the front of the car by climbing up the back of Hiccup's seat to his shoulder. He braced his paws against the cracked-open window and sniffed at the girl through the narrow opening.

"Who is your cousin, anyway?"

"Stephen, but that doesn't tell you what you need to know." Hiccup took a deep breath. Those short sleeves and short shorts didn't just display perfect skin, they showed off lean and hard muscle; if this girl took offense at the name, she could drag him out of the car and beat him into the asphalt. "I – and everybody who has known him from childhood, including his closest friends – call him Snot." He cringed, waiting for the explosion.

There wasn't one, although she went very still. "Snot. I was Not- _Snot_."

"I seriously would have done something else if I thought you were a girl, but I thought…I didn't think." That was about what it came down to. Granted, what was he supposed to think? They must have exchanged hundreds of texts, photos, and video clips, and _none_ of hers had offered any clue as to her gender; he was stuck with his original assumption, and that assumption happened to be male because the original owner of the number had been male.

"Astrid."

"What?"

"That's my name. Astrid."

"Oh. That's…that's beautiful." Hiccup smiled up at her, painfully aware that he probably still looked stupid, and quickly looked down at his phone again as he got into his contact list. "A-S-T-R-I-D. There. Much better."

Astrid just drummed her fingers on the roof of his car.

 _What…oh._ "This is the part where you want my name now, isn't it?" Hiccup glanced at her sideways.

That got a sardonic eyebrow lift. "I would think you'd have trouble resisting."

"Just…absolutely anything you punched into your phone would be better than my name."

The other eyebrow went up to join the first. "Be kind of awkward to refer to you as Warcat Weirdo all the time."

Hiccup turned to stare at her, fully amazed. "Wow. Now I'm _really_ ashamed of the Not-Snot thing."

Astrid laughed again and focused on Toothless, who still had his nose at the window. "Do I have to ask you, Toothless?" She held a solid fist up to the crack, letting him sniff her knuckles.

"Which name do you want?"

Astrid looked narrowly at Hiccup. "You have multiple names like your cousin?"

Hiccup sighed. "I have two names. I hate my real name, but my nickname is…everybody looks at me weird when I tell them that I _prefer_ it."

That…was an entertaining expression. Her eyes were round, her lips were slightly pursed…she seemed to be turning his words over in her head, trying to comprehend exactly what he'd told her. Finally she spoke.

"So…as far as the rest of the world is concerned, your nickname is worse than your real name?"

Hiccup thought that one over and nodded. "That about sums it up."

"Can't see how any name could be worse than Snot."

A laugh burst out of Hiccup, making Toothless dig his claws in and shoot a dirty look over his shoulder. "Oh, _nothing's_ worse than Snot, but for some reason he owns it anyway."

"So I promise to hear both names before I change Warcat Weirdo into anything else."

Hiccup detached Toothless from his shoulder. "Does that mean you want the real name first?"

Astrid thought for a minute and nodded. "Sure, why not?"

"Hank." He tried not to cringe as he said it.

Those dusty-rose lips silently shaped the name; her crystal gaze drifted to her phone; Hiccup could practically _see_ her comparing the name on her lips to the one in her phone, and considering whether the one was worthy of replacing the other.

"Drop the other shoe," she finally said.

Hiccup couldn't help but smile as he finally _heard_ the words. Many, many times he would text news to Not-Snot – Astrid, remember that name now, _Astrid_ – in the form of "two-liner" jokes. The first text would say something like, _Toothless finally learned not to jump on the counter_ , and the second would be, _now he just climbs onto my shoulder to see what I'm doing._ It had gotten to where Astrid had started predicting when there would be a punch line, and demand that he _drop the other shoe._

"I prefer Hiccup."

Astrid grinned back and started pushing buttons on her phone. "Bye-bye, Warcat Weirdo; hello, Hiccup." Then she tucked her phone into an honest-to-goodness fanny pack – that she was wearing boldly in front instead of discreetly sideways – and banged on the car again. "Where are your manners? Get out here and shake hands!"

Hiccup laughed. "Give me a sec, Toothless needs his leash." Once he was sure the cat wouldn't be making a getaway, Hiccup opened the door and stood in front of Astrid.

Astrid looked him over carefully, from auburn hair down the gangly body to his mismatched legs. He felt a little self-conscious under her scrutiny, even though – or perhaps especially – she seemed to like what she saw.

"You're tall," she finally said with a smile.

"A little bit, yeah." He wasn't quite tall enough to look his dad in the eye, but he was of a height with both Snot and Fishlegs – and had to look down a little to meet Astrid's eyes.

Belatedly remembering that his standing here now was because she'd chided him about his manners, he stuck his hand out.

With a hint of a chuckle, Astrid accepted the handshake.

"Hey, I don't remember if I ever actually said this before, but…sorry for the unsolicited texts."

Astrid shrugged. "Pretty sure you never did apologize before; just explained how it happened. And it's fine."

Hiccup leaned against the car and wracked his brain for a neutral topic. He'd speculated a time or two about what he would do if, against the astronomical odds, he wound up hanging out with "Not-Snot" – but none of those fantasies had ever included "Not-Snot" being a girl. He was not good with girls.

Astrid beat him to it.

"I like your car."

Hiccup laughed self-consciously and ran his hand over the top, where Astrid had been pounding before. "Thanks…it was my first solo purchase. I had fun haggling."

"Some guys name their rides…" Astrid looked up expectantly.

"Um…yeah…" it was a little embarrassing. "Babyhemoth. You know, like…baby behemoth…because it's got a big cab and a big trunk, but it's not a big vehicle." It was practically a mini SUV.

Astrid giggled. "Makes sense." She peered in the window. "It _is_ roomy in there."

"There's a short list of people who might want to carpool if they visit me; all of them are big guys. Roomy was a necessity."

"I'm surprised the windows aren't tinted."

Hiccup blinked, surprised. "Why would I want to tint the windows?"

"Oh…" Astrid suddenly went vague, and wouldn't look straight at him, "No reason."

"My uncle, Snot's dad, has a really big truck with tinted windows; that thing scares me. A soulless monster ready to crush pedestrians. I like being able to see the drivers of other cars, and I like other drivers to see me. Keeps things human."

"Is that…" Astrid hesitated. "Is that what happened to your leg? Run over by a car with tinted windows?"

Hiccup looked down at his prosthetic. "No, I just don't like tinted windows."

Astrid eyed the metal herself and bit her lip.

Toothless climbed down Hiccup's leg and went to sniff Astrid's running shoes.

"It was years ago, Astrid: like high school, I think sophomore year. Not a sensitive topic anymore, I just don't talk about it." Hiccup wondered if he wanted her to ask.

"Are you going to tell me?"

Well, why not? "Sure – if you fail to guess in three tries."

Astrid made a face. "Fine. Road accident – _any_ road accident?"

"I think that's technically cheating, making such an open-ended guess, but…no, nothing to do with roads."

"Some really big predator helped himself to Roast Leg of Hiccup?"

Hiccup burst out laughing. "Nope."

She was thinking really hard now. Finally she flung her hands out. "Bone cancer."

"Actually, there's a vague element of _correct_ to that: it was just a fracture, but a bone infection cropped up. So," he waved his hand in a chopping motion.

"Okay, so how did you break your leg in the first place?"

"Jumped out of a tree."

Astrid lifted her eyes heavenward. "Jumped? Not fell?"

"Jumped."

She didn't want to ask. But she had to. "Why did you jump out of a tree, Hiccup?"

"Mostly because I thought the pond would be deep enough."

She didn't want to laugh, but a snort escaped anyway. She pressed a hand to her mouth in a feeble attempt to suppress the snickers.

Hiccup smirked at her. "Yuk it up before you hurt yourself: it _was_ pretty funny. Snot had a good laugh, and gave me ten out of ten points for a spectacular water landing."

Astrid finally got herself under control and blotted her eyes with her wristband. "Not that funny. Your cousin's a jerk."

He shrugged in response. "No argument. Anyway. My best friend shouted at me a little for scaring him; he gave me a six, I think. The bear gave me a seven-point-five."

Very, very slowly, Astrid's hands lowered. She closed her eyes and took several deep breaths. "What bear?" she finally asked.

That was a part of the story he didn't share often even when he did share the story, because nobody ever believed it. "The one that followed me up the tree."

Astrid processed that. "So…you jumped in a pond…from a tree…to escape a bear."

Hiccup waved the leash. "That's it in a nutshell."

"Did your friend – or your cousin – see the bear?"

"What, so you can verify my story?" He shook his head ruefully. "They didn't actually see the bear: they were in the pond, well away from the shore, when it came to the tree. They might have heard it, though, and they definitely saw the slashes it left on my butt."

"Good heavens, it scratched you too?"

" _And_ left scars." He sighed. "It was almost a month before I could put any pressure on them. A one-legged guy who couldn't sit down."

Maybe it was the longsuffering tone; maybe it was just that a grown man complaining about anything resembling a spanking was funny. Either way, Astrid burst out laughing. Hiccup listened for a while, not even caring that she was technically laughing _at_ him.

"I can't believe you're _laughing_ at my misfortune," he finally said, mock-insulted.

Astrid gave him a push, still laughing. "You set it up that way!"

Suddenly Hiccup remembered that he did have tangible evidence. "Oh yeah, I still have the swim trunks – what's left of them, anyway. A friend of my dad's went and framed them for me."

"Because that's totally something to hang on the wall."

"I didn't say they were on the wall, I just said I still had them."

Astrid took a deep breath, shook her head, and finally asked in a tone that was more declaration than actual question, "Can I bring you a drink?"

His luck had never, ever been this good. "If it's a Coke; I still have to drive home. Or you can get ice cream – Toothless can even have a little taste if it's vanilla." Hiccup looked down. "Whoop, by the way watch your step."

Toothless was trying to untie Astrid's shoelaces. Fortunately she'd double-knotted them.

Astrid carefully stepped over Toothless. "Will you guys still be here in…hmm, half an hour?"

Hiccup squinted at the sky. "Probably: Snot's notorious for saying a minute when he means an hour. I'll text or something if we won't be here."

Astrid nodded and jogged briskly away.

Toothless climbed up Hiccup's leg. Hiccup scratched Toothless's ears.

"Hear that, Toothless? She's getting treats for us."

He really hoped that it wasn't just a ruse to get away from the weirdo with bear scratches on his butt. And he was going to be really angry if this all turned out to be a realistic dream.

* * *

The sports car that pulled up was notable simply because it was electric blue. Hiccup recognized it from outside his apartment building; he'd often wondered who in the building it belonged to. He glanced through the window…

Astrid was looking back.

"Oh my gods!" Hiccup clapped a hand over his mouth. That Astrid owned such a flashy car, wasn't shocking at all. It was that…Hiccup looked around the front at the plates. Yes, it was the same car – he had a head for numbers.

Astrid rolled down the window. "What's with you?"

Hiccup refocused on Astrid. "I swear, I'm not stalking you on purpose!"

"What?" Her tone was less confusion and more exasperation, an air of _what now?_

"I think we live in the same apartment building now. I recognize your car, it's practically right by the door every time I come home from work."

Astrid sighed, making a face like she was trying not to laugh. "What are the odds that out of all the pet-friendly complexes in the state you would move into _mine_?"

At least she wasn't offended; Hiccup slumped in relief. "Pretty good, apparently."

The glowing car pulled around Babyhemoth and slid into the parking space next to it. Then Astrid came around with a soda cup in each hand.

She was wearing a long blue dress with her fanny pack.

Toothless immediately danced out at the end of his leash batting at her skirt.

Hiccup blinked. "When did you get the dress on? I mean, it's a nice dress, but…" She had _not_ been gone a full thirty minutes; she'd barely been gone fifteen. When did she have time?

"What, this thing?" Astrid pressed one cup into Hiccup's hand. "Using this, I can completely change clothes in public without ever exposing myself indecently."

Slowly Hiccup shook his head, somewhere between admiration and disbelief. "That's not a thing."

"Miracle garment. Perfect for the athlete who doesn't want to sit on her car's pristine upholstery in sweaty clothes." She cocked an eyebrow, daring him to make the obvious conclusion. "I've had a lot of practice: I can go from this to casual afternoon out in under a minute."

Hiccup took a long drink from his soda. Finally he trusted himself to speak. "Do you have…um, 'casual afternoon out' clothes…with you?"

"Why? Want to watch?" That was _definitely_ a challenge.

"I just don't think that fanny pack goes with that dress."

Astrid snorted with suppressed laughter, put her cup on the roof of Hiccup's car, and went back to her vehicle. Started to, anyway.

"Ack!"

"Toothless, let go already!"

If the way he was struggling at the end of his leash, Toothless had gone and gotten his claws stuck. He yowled in protest as Astrid shook the skirt.

"I don't want him to rip it…" Astrid knelt partway and caught the snagged paws, delicately unhooking them from the fabric.

"Careful, he's probably going to…"

She yelped and half-threw Toothless back in the general direction of Hiccup's ankles. In a flash the cat was climbing up his owner.

"…Scratch as soon as his nails are free. Sorry. I've got Neosporin with me, if you want."

Astrid studied her hands. "…Nah, it's not that deep." Then she went to get her other clothes.

Hiccup was going to feel sorry when the dress disappeared: it swished so prettily around her ankles.

In a couple minutes a pile of fabric was deposited on Babyhemoth's hood, and Astrid cocked an eyebrow at Hiccup as if to ask, _ready?_ Then she started.

The shoes and socks came off first, and she balanced on top of a pair of flip-flops; then she took a pair of jeans off the pile and got them around her ankles. Rather than hitching the skirt way up to pull the jeans on, she stuck her hands _through_ the skirt (there must have been slits on the sides) and tugged the denim up without raising the blue curtain. Once the jeans were all the way up and presumably fastened, she slid her feet properly into the flip-flops.

She was as fast as Hiccup, and _he_ only had one and a half legs to maneuver into legwear.

Then there was the bra. It hadn't even occurred to him that she wasn't wearing any bra at all _under_ the dress until she put one on _over_ the dress; fortunately for his sanity, she was more interested in demonstrating her all-modest changing speed than in teasing him. Once that bra was settled, the shirt went over everything to be tucked into the waistband of the fanny pack.

Finally, after putting all that on, she took the dress off.

Hiccup had been wondering, with half her clothes _on top of_ it, how that thing was supposed to come off. But apparently the bodice was some kind of halter top: she loosed the halter by pulling something like a lanyard up from her shirt collar and over her head, and then slinked it down the front of her shirt with some kind of plastic tag. Seconds later the dress pooled around her ankles, and there she was in style.

Fifty seconds.

A low whistle escaped Hiccup, and he looked down at Toothless. "You saw that, right?"

Toothless had seen nothing: he was sitting in the crook of Hiccup's elbow, staring at some nearby gulls.

"Well, I stand corrected: that was impressive."

Astrid… _simpered_ wasn't quite the word for it, but she looked very pleased with herself. She picked up the dress and shook it out, and then tossed it across Babyhemoth's hood and rolled it up from the hem.

Evidently, when it wasn't being worn, it could be bundled up into its own bag.

"Have you eaten anything since breakfast?"

Startled by the question, Hiccup thought about it as Astrid went to drop off the bundle. "No. I mean, I had some crackers in the glove box, but that doesn't really count as…" his voice trailed off as he got a whiff of hamburger.

Astrid came back, holding up a fast-food bag and grinning like a tiger.

The hunger pangs had been mild enough to ignore a minute ago. Now he was ravenous. "This is probably a really stupid question, but do you happen to be single?"

She laughed, anyway. Then she put the bag on the car and pulled a can out of her fanny pack, drumming on it with her nails – getting Toothless's attention in an instant.

It should have been less surprising than it was: she had a cat of her own, why _wouldn't_ she have treats for it on her?

"Seriously, don't torture me. If you have a boyfriend, now would be the time to say it."

Astrid finally took pity on him. "I'm available."

* * *

After they ate, and Astrid convinced Hiccup to go for a walk, she explained why she was single. It was pretty simple: she had two sets of standards that she wouldn't compromise, and if a guy didn't meet the first set upon first meeting she wouldn't date him at all – and if he didn't meet her second set within three dates she would cut him loose. So far, although a number of guys had successfully cleared her first set, nobody had ever measured up to the second.

"What's on your first set? The…meet-and-greet standards?" Hiccup wanted to know.

Astrid smirked and started counting on her fingers. "He doesn't have to be super-toned, but he does need to be clean."

"Makes sense." First impressions represented quite a lot.

"Whatever his clothes actually cost, they must also be clean – and appropriate for the location I meet him." At Hiccup's inquisitive look she elaborated, "Being too far over- or underdressed for a place and time is a serious turn-off. Would you date a girl who showed up at a casual picnic dressed in full Victorian-era finery? Or who walked into a dance party wearing a shapeless neck-to-floor bag?"

"Ah. Point taken."

"He doesn't have to quote Shakespeare, but he does have to do better than sleazy or cliché pick-up lines."

"That right there disqualifies Snot."

Astrid snorted. "And he has to respect my personal space."

Hiccup hesitated for a moment before he commented on that one. The particular ground that Astrid was leading him over was more loose dirt than paved path, and he nearly clung to her for dear life a time or two when his footing felt unsteady.

"…Okay."

Astrid stopped and looked up at him. "First of all, I'm willing to be your human crutch a time or two because I know you won't abuse the privilege. You don't _need_ me to hold you up, I just give you something to catch yourself on – and you don't like drawing attention to your leg, so you won't simply be falling on me just because you can. Second, be assured that if you ever did start abusing my generosity, I'm fully capable of throwing you down. Okay?"

Hiccup giggled a little. "Sure. Thanks." Before he could think through how good an idea this was he blurted out, "Besides that, how else do I shape up?"

Astrid considered in silence for a minute, long enough to make Hiccup nervous.

"We did things all out of order," she finally said. "I got to know you before I ever saw you, and I don't usually do that. That was the real you, though, wasn't it?"

Hiccup made a questioning noise.

"You didn't think I was a girl; you didn't _think_ , particularly, that I was anyone – so you weren't pretending to be anyone. It was clear to me, a whole season ago, that what I saw in those texts was exactly what I would get if I ever met you in real life." She cocked a sardonic eyebrow up at him. "Especially after that Valentine's-Day chat."

"Agh," Hiccup covered his face.

He sort of remembered that conversation: Astrid had started it, asking if he had a date for Valentine's Day. He'd admitted he had a _lot_ of trouble talking to the opposite sex, she'd asked about the same sex _,_ and he'd answered _no thank you, I'm straight_. He could see what she meant by citing that as her "what I see is what I get" proof – being honest because he wasn't thinking of her as an actual person, what he ultimately told her was that if they met face-to-face, he would either be exactly the same as in the texts or he would blunder awkwardly through a conversation.

Like he'd been doing _._

His Valentine's "date" had been Toothless, and they'd stayed home and emptied a pint of vanilla ice cream together (with Hiccup getting the lion's share; his cat might have proven lactose-tolerant, but there were undoubtedly limits and he was reluctant to push them).

Astrid elbowed him sharply in the side. "You're smart, you dream big, you're sensitive, you're funny at your own expense, and you keep going no matter how much you hurt; without ever taking me on a date, you aced my boyfriend standards. Then I actually met you – and," she tugged on the damp collar of his shirt, "considering _exactly_ where you were and what you were doing when I first saw you, you didn't do badly on the 'meet-and-greet' standards."

And, before Hiccup could formulate a response, she kissed him.

She tasted like that cheap apple pie.

It was the sweetest taste he'd ever had.

Somehow he had the presence of mind to respond. He kissed her back right there in full view of God and everybody, lifting the hand with the leash to her chin and the other wrapping around her back to pull her as close as the fanny pack would allow.

Astrid already had his collar; her other hand flew up and grabbed his hair, not to jerk him back, but to hold him close.

There were a few remarks from the sidelines, but Hiccup ignored them all – right up until one of the loudest was in a voice he recognized.

"Woo! How do you rate, Hiccup?"

Toothless hissed from his vantage point of Hiccup's shoulder. He never did like Snot.

Hiccup groaned into Astrid's mouth and carefully pushed her away, breaking the kiss to speak. "Astrid, Snot; Snot, Astrid."

Astrid was not interested in acknowledging Snot's presence by turning to look; she pulled Hiccup's forehead against her own and lifted a finger to trace his jaw. "Who, that loudmouth? He's your thickheaded USC-going cousin with the overblown ego and big red tiger cat that bites him?"

"Hey!" Snot protested. "How do you know about all that?"

 _Then_ Astrid acknowledged his existence, turning to look. "Hiccup and I have been talking for five months. About everything, up to and including you."

For a second, Snot was struck dumb. Not that that was hard. Then he recovered – as much as he ever did. "What are you, his girlfriend?"

"Yes."

Then it was _Hiccup_ who was struck dumb. He'd just been about to start disassembling, trying to find some explanation that wouldn't give the wrong impression, and there was Astrid boldly proclaiming that they were an item.

Not that he minded. He so far from minded.

Snot stared for a moment. Then he shrugged and looked aggrieved. "Whatever. Hiccup, I came looking for you because it's time to go and you weren't in your car."

Hiccup found his voice. "You could have called."

Snot, evidently, considered answering that beneath him. He turned around and walked off, calling over his shoulder, "I'll be waiting for you. By _Baby_ -hemoth."

Astrid was silent for a moment, playing with Hiccup's hair. Then, "Was he trying to embarrass you in front of me by referring to your car by name?"

"Probably. You do realize that now that you've declared yourself my girlfriend in front of _him_ , if you legitimately care for my reputation you will have to come to my family events?"

"I have no problem being your girlfriend. What's your reputation got to do with family events?"

Hiccup shrugged. "The usual business of being my father's only son. There has been pressure to find a girl, and speculation that I'm closet-gay. Thanks to Snot, it will be all up and down the family tree that Hiccup has gotten himself a girl, and people will want to meet you." Inwardly he quailed at the thought of Astrid meeting his dad. "If you never show and I just try to cover for you, I'll never hear the end of it."

"Gotcha."

"I'd better go before Snot gets too irritated and keys my car."

"I'll walk you back. The Nadder's right next to Babyhemoth anyway."

"Nadder? That's your car's name? Sounds deadly."

Astrid grinned wickedly. "She's one speedy ride."

Hiccup made a mental note never to ride shotgun with her.

* * *

 _ **Author's Note:**_ _That dress that Astrid demonstrated? It's a real thing, designed for the athletic woman who doesn't want to risk having to wear her sweaty workout clothes all day. It's called an Undress._

 _By the way, technically this fanfiction is over. If anyone wants to see a third chapter, let me know in the comments. I can tell you right now, since this chapter is so very long, if there is another chapter I might turn the end of this chapter into the beginning of the third._


	3. Full Circle

_**Author's Note:**_ _Thanks to VERY popular demand by you the readers, there will be a third and final chapter! ^_^ Kudos to anyone who notices the RttE season 2 reference (there's only one that I know of – so far I've only seen the first episode)._

* * *

The phone rang.

In the early mornings, Hiccup wondered if Astrid was even human. She got up at the crack of dawn every day and went running – for _fun_. And she would call _him_ (he'd given up using alarm clocks, she was so consistent) and ask if he wanted have coffee with her afterwards.

At least she never expected poor sleepy Hiccup to visit a restaurant when he hadn't yet had any coffee: when she woke him up, it was with the expectation that she would come to his apartment or he would go to hers (depending on how awake he managed to get by the time she finished her run).

He blindly fumbled for his phone and swiped at the "answer" icon. Then he held it awkwardly to his ear, nudging Toothless in the side, and turned his head a bit to get his face out of the pillow.

"Sure, coffee sounds great and Toothless would love some cream. Ow."

Astrid's sardonic laughter echoed out of the speaker. " _Is he sleeping on your head again?_ "

"I think he's awake now: he's starting to flex his claws."

Toothless had long ago taken to using Hiccup's head as a bed. This added cat fur to his normal bedhead, which was how Astrid had learned of their sleeping arrangements the first time they'd had coffee together.

" _Well,_ besides _the coffee, I wondered if you wanted to do something special today._ "

"Special? Like what…and why?"

" _Oh, I don't know. It's the one-year anniversary of our first contact, so…_ "

Was it? Hiccup guessed it was. In another hour it would be one year, to the minute, of when Toothless jumped on his head.

"Yeah. Sure. Why not?" Hiccup slowly pulled himself to a sitting position – noting with sleepy amusement that Toothless didn't budge – and his gaze fell on a tidy plastic-wrapped package on his desk. "Oh…by the way, I have a present for you."

" _Yeah?_ "

"Yeah, I was going to give it to you for Valentine's Day or something, but since we're celebrating something _now_ …"

" _If you make me wait two weeks for my present now that you've_ told _me that I_ have _a present, I'm going to kill you._ "

Hiccup laughed. Seven months had taught him that Astrid was a rather violent person; fortunately for him and everyone else, she talked maybe fifty-percent bigger than she acted. "Okay, I'll bring it. _Ow_ …good morning, Toothless."

Toothless had dropped from Hiccup's head to his lap, clawing the whole way.

Astrid laughed again. " _Don't forget, okay? I'll see you in a half-hour._ "

"Sure…" Hiccup rubbed his face, wincing at the claw marks. Step one, get Neosporin. "I know I don't sound it at the moment, but I can't wait."

" _You're never perky in the mornings."_ Astrid hung up.

Hiccup dragged himself off the bed and wondered what he was expected to wear. It was _extremely_ unlikely that they were going somewhere that required formal clothes this early, even if they did go and do something special, but "special" suggested that he put on something that was at least a cut above what he usually wore. Although even his nicer clothes had lots of little holes in them, from Toothless climbing all over him; keeping the cat off of him at all times was more effort than it was worth.

 **#Flashback1**

Astrid had been shocked to learn that Hiccup's father was the head of Haddock Industries, a major sporting-goods company; after the initial introductions at last year's Independence-Day celebration she'd cornered Hiccup, called up his text about "cannot afford tuition" on her phone, and demanded an explanation.

" _Let's see, where to start…" he began, sheepishly, as he tousled his hair. "When I was still in high school, girls were practically throwing themselves at me. And I thought it was great – until I realized all they knew about me was that I had a really rich dad. None of them wanted 'Hiccup,' they wanted a boyfriend with big bucks."_

 _Astrid shook her head incredulously. "Were they blind?"_

" _I wasn't this cool then," Hiccup laughed, "I had more of a scrawny, gangly thing going – and at the time that all the attention was starting, I was also clumsier than usual because of the leg. In my mid-teens, in their eyes, all I had in my favor was my dad's multi-millions."_

 _Astrid's expression suggested she doubted that, but she took his word for it. "So you realized they wanted Daddy's dough. Then what?"_

" _I was disgusted. Swore off girls for the rest of high school. Then I started maneuvering my dad into giving me a job – the worst-paying job in the company – instead of an allowance."_

 _Astrid gave him the once-over. "Either you didn't get the worst-paying job, you got promoted since then, or people give you decent clothes for events like this."_

" _Ha. Well. It's enough to pay for some basic creature comforts, and I can splurge once in a while if I save for a few months or get a bonus, but it's no lap of luxury."_

" _And the tuition?"_

" _I don't want student loans if I can help it, and I don't want my dad to pick my college for me – and if he pays my tuition, he'll have that right. No, I'm saving up to choose my own path."_

 _Astrid thought for a minute and nodded. "Makes sense."_

 _Hiccup laughed again. "To you. To Fishlegs. To Mr. Belcher, my dad's best friend…"_

" _Is that the guy who framed your swim trunks?"_

 _Thus reminded of that conversation, Hiccup laughed harder. "That's him. But nobody else in my life understands my reasoning, not even my dad!"_

 **#EndFlashback1**

If someone had told him a year ago that he would even _have_ a girlfriend, much less one who valued him for who he was rather than what he had, he would never have believed them. Of course, he also wouldn't have believed a year ago that his life would become centered around a mangy little cat that used him as a scratching post; he never had anything against strays, but he'd been so busy trying to prove to his dad that he could survive without a big allowance that _adopting_ one had been the last thing on his mind.

In one year, his world had changed dramatically. Toothless had sunk his claws deep into Hiccup's life, and now he couldn't imagine being without the little black cat. He also had a girlfriend who understood this and accepted it even as she made sure he didn't completely abandon activities that required the cat to stay home. And she never asked him for anything outside his low budget.

She never asked, but one time he volunteered to pull some Haddock weight on her behalf.

 **#Flashback2**

An arsonist had run rampant at the end of summer. Fortunately he'd been arrested; unfortunately, his last fiery conquest had been Astrid's childhood home. By the time the blaze had been extinguished, the building was too structurally unstable to just repair and pretty much all the family possessions were ruined. The site of fifteen years' worth of memories, up in smoke. Nobody died, though – neither of her parents had been home at the time.

Astrid seemed to be in shock for the first week after hearing the news. "Seemed to" being the operative words – she was still capable of inviting her parents to stay at her apartment while they worked out the insurance. After observing her behavior, Hiccup decided that she was secretly distraught; it made him uneasy, and he was glad her parents hadn't been caught in the fire because thinking about how much worse it _could_ be was terrifying.

Eventually he offered to get the Haddock name behind the Hoffersons' search for a new house.

" _Why?"_

" _Well, people in this area take my dad's company seriously, so that would speed up the…"_

" _Did anyone ask for the help?"_

 _Hiccup must have looked hurt, or stricken, at her brusque tone; Toothless, perched on his shoulder, definitely had favored Astrid with a judgmental expression. She'd wilted slightly at the evidence that she'd been cruelly ungrateful._

" _Sorry. It's just…I don't know."_

 _Hiccup studied her for a moment – and suddenly realized where at least part of her resistance to his offer was coming from. "Nobody asked for my help. You realize what's so important about that, right?"_

 _She looked at him again, at least…with an expression that said she didn't get it._

" _Nobody asked me. Why is that significant?"_

 _Astrid scowled. Then her expression cleared in comprehension. "Wow, I…was not thinking about that, at least not consciously. You're hardly going to group me with those other girls that wanted Daddy's money if you're the one offering it."_

" _Exactly."_

" _Well. Thank you, but…" she hesitated for a moment. Then her expression firmed. "…No. It's my family's problem, and my family can deal with it. You don't have to worry about it."_

" _But I do worry. It doesn't turn off because I_ will _it off," he tapped his head, "when that particular circuit breaker gets tripped, the only way to reset it is to_ do _something about what's worrying me. Can you at least ask your parents if they'd be okay with the Haddocks clearing the road for them?"_

 _Astrid sighed. "I can do that."_

End result of that talk was, Hiccup's dad _did_ find the Hoffersons a great deal and Astrid spent a couple of nights at Hiccup's apartment. Not like anything happened: she just wanted to be held, to be reassured – and she had bad dreams, waking him up as she shifted, and he helped her calm down again by rubbing her shoulders. Eventually, as her parents rebuilt their lives, she was able to return to her own.

 **#EndFlashback2**

Those nights had sparked something for him. It was hugely ambitious considering how young their relationship was, but…

* * *

Breakfast was seldom a fancy affair: Hiccup didn't like trying to prepare something complicated when he'd only just got up, and Astrid preferred to relax and unwind after a run. Hiccup had an assortment of cereals and frozen sausages, while Astrid was a yogurt-and-granola connoisseur; when they didn't just grab things out of the cupboards, fridge or freezer, they got takeout.

Today, it smelled like Astrid was warming up some toaster pastries.

"Come on, where's my present?" she demanded as Hiccup stepped through the door.

Hiccup laughed, dropped Toothless (who immediately tore off in search of Stormfly), and dug into his new fanny pack.

"Trade you. I could use some coffee." He waved the package at her.

"Get it yourself. Wow, that's…that's little."

 _Little_ was kind of relative: it filled most of the fanny pack. But she was right, it didn't distort it. Even with the other thing.

Hiccup listened to Astrid clawing at the plastic while he filled one of her spare mugs with coffee and added cream. When the sounds paused he turned around; she'd stopped with a big hole ripped in it, and was staring curiously at what was inside.

"Astrid?"

"I think I know this logo."

Hiccup came to look at the pinkish butterfly stamped on gray fabric. "You should. It's on your quick-change dress."

"They made sweat-bands?"

"Heh. Actually that's version two."

"Of…" Astrid pulled it out of the plastic and shook it out.

It was a dress, of similar style to the blue original but with a straight neckline and a shorter, more streamlined skirt.

"I did some research. After they made the first dress, they ran polls and made note of the improvements they could do. That's what they came up with; it's got _fifteen_ design changes."

Astrid rubbed the cloth between her fingers; then she touched it to her face. "I like this fabric."

"And that's one of them. They got something that's better at wicking away sweat, so it's easier to use after a workout, and it looks good straight out of the bundle. Also it's a bit lighter; that along with all the skirt they took out," Hiccup pointed at the dress, " _that_ is almost half the weight of the first edition. And it still does all the things the first one does."

That got a smile. "So thoughtful, Hiccup."

Hiccup grinned back. "I don't remember all the changes; just the ones that seemed…relevant to you. I mean, you used the other dress because it beat the heck out of the alternatives, but…"

"Hmm, yeah, the other one can't really just be pulled out of its bag and worn; it wrinkles. And it _does_ stick going on, after a hot run. And the skirt…" she shook her head. "It's too long to be fashionable, Toothless keeps getting stuck in it, and it does weird things when I hike it up." She turned the dress in her hands. "Does it still have pockets?"

"I think so." Hiccup helped himself to one of the toaster pastries while Astrid explored the dress's design changes.

Toothless suddenly thundered around the corner with Stormfly right on his heels. Over the coffee table, under the footstool, around the sofa, and back into the depths of the apartment.

"You know, he runs really well for a cat with a crooked foot," Astrid said conversationally without looking up.

"Doesn't slow him down at all," Hiccup agreed.

Astrid pursed her lips and glanced at Hiccup's leg. Then she looked at his face. "You're just like him, you know. You don't let your leg hold you back; you just keep going."

Hiccup shrugged, quietly pleased. "And I guess you could say it doesn't slow me down either, since I don't…my job doesn't require that I be extremely active physically."

His hand crept for the fanny pack again. At the last second he hesitated.

 _Here, in private? Or wherever it is she wants to go, in public?_ Part of him was thrilled at the thought of witnesses, of a huge presentation; the other part was terrified that the gamble wouldn't pay off, and then he would be humiliated.

"So, uh, where are we going?" he asked, stalling for time while his mind struggled with the possibilities.

Astrid shrugged. "It's not really warm enough for the beach; we could window-shop, see a movie…"

"Toothless had been a major catalyst to our relationship…"

Astrid snorted on a laugh, cutting him off. "Catalyst. How appropriate. Yeah, I guess you're right: let's do something where we can bring him. Both of them – early days, we compared a lot of notes."

"How about the park? They both have harnesses," Stormfly's UCLA-colored one was relatively new, a Christmas present from Hiccup, "If we keep them leashed it'll be fine."

In theory, the idea was fantastic. In practice, there were a lot of steps involved. Corralling the cats, securing their harnesses and clipping the leashes on, and then getting out the door with them.

Fishlegs came by while they were still trying to sort out the circus that was two cats on leashes. "Hey. Everything okay?"

Hiccup looked up. "Just great…"

Except one or both of the cats had gotten their leashes tangled on his prosthetic, and he didn't notice until he tried to take another step. He went down hard on one knee.

Astrid made a half-laugh, half-sigh and offered a hand. "This was your idea; you sure it was a good one?"

Hiccup looked around and realized where he was. On the threshold, already in position, and the only human witness was a good friend. He couldn't have had a better setup for this if he'd planned it. Before he could overthink things, he opened the fanny pack and pulled out the other surprise.

"Couldn't have been a better idea." He held up the small velvet box. "I know we've only known each other for a year, so this is probably really fast. But…after just one ye-well, six months really, with you, I can't imagine life with any other woman."

Astrid stared, her face a study in stunned realization. Peripherally Hiccup saw Fishlegs cover his mouth with both hands.

Kneeling on the doorstep, cat leashes tangled around his leg, Hiccup opened the box. The aquamarine flashed on an otherwise simple gold band.

Astrid was _worth_ diamonds, but she wasn't into diamonds. Figuring out what she _was_ into without giving the game away had been even harder than getting her ring size.

"You make life worth living. Will you live it with me?"

Astrid made a lot of strangled noises that could have meant absolutely anything – and flipped her still-extended but now-shaking hand over, spreading her fingers so he could put on the engagement ring.

A great man's hands surely didn't shake as much as Hiccup's did, carrying out such a simple task; he nearly dropped the ring getting it out of its little box (and he _did_ drop the box). It took all his concentration to slide it in place.

The minute Astrid's hands were both free she grabbed his collar and shook him. "Hiccup, you are an idiot!" she finally managed to say. Then she dragged him to his feet and hugged him.

Fishlegs started applauding, startling both of them. "Oh, uh, by the way Hiccup…not to ruin the mood, but, you owe me twenty dollars."

Hiccup blinked. "Why?"

"Here," Astrid put Hiccup's hand on her shoulder, "hold that and put your foot up, I'll get those leashes off you."

Hiccup obediently balanced on his good leg, keeping his eyes on Fishlegs.

"Seventeen months ago, we were discussing your family and the subject of matrimony came up. You said Snot would marry first because he was a lot less picky about what girl attached herself to him, I said _you_ would marry first because I couldn't see Snot resolving his commitment issues, and…"

Hiccup sighed. _Now_ he remembered that conversation. "…And money went down on which of us would marry first, and you were right."

"You owe me a twenty."

So he did. And yet, Hiccup couldn't bring himself to be upset about it; glancing at the girl who lost him the bet, a smile pulled at his mouth. He felt on top of the world, and what was twenty bucks compared to that? "I don't have one on me; I'll have to stop at an ATM on the way to the park or something…"

Astrid held up the untangled leashes and brandished them at Fishlegs in a tightly-clenched fist. "Don't count your winnings yet – we're only engaged," she reminded him, tossing a smirk at Hiccup. "If you specifically said _married_ when you made the bet, wait until the wedding: Snot might decide to drag some girl off to Vegas to elope, and then where would you be?"

"Oh." Fishlegs's face fell. But only for a second, and then he shrugged amiably. "The odds of that happening are pretty low, though I admit not impossible. Most likely I'll still be winning."

"I'll slip a twenty into your wedding invitation," Hiccup promised wryly, tugging at Astrid's arm. "Come on, Astrid, let's go."

Toothless clawed his way up to Hiccup's shoulder and purred noisily in his ear, as though convinced that this entire state of bliss was _his_ doing.

And maybe it was. If he hadn't snuck into Hiccup's old apartment that day and ambushed the unsuspecting amputee, there would have been no video to send to "Not-Snot," and none of this would have happened.

Hiccup suddenly laughed.

"What?"

"Oh, just…you know about 'Destiny calls'?"

"Yeah?"

"I think a year ago we got some destiny _texts_."

Astrid thought about that. Then she snickered herself. "A video of a cat chasing cornflakes, a 'who is this?' – and the rest is history."

"And to think I'd just wanted breakfast."


End file.
